The Sex Slump: Why Couples Stop Having Sex (And What to Do About It)

It usually happens gradually.

At first, you don't notice. Life gets busy. You're tired. There's always tomorrow. Then one day you realize it's been weeks. Maybe months. And you're not sure how you got here.

If this sounds familiar, you're not alone. Research suggests that 15-20% of marriages qualify as "sexless" by clinical standards, and many more couples go through extended dry spells without ever talking about it.

This post explores why couples stop having sex, what the research says about common causes, and what actually helps. No blame, no shame, just understanding.

What Is a "Sex Slump" (And When Does It Become a Problem)?

A sex slump is an extended period of little or no sexual activity in a relationship. It's not the same as a busy week or a rough month. It's a pattern that stretches on.

Clinically, a "sexless marriage" is defined as having sex fewer than 10 times per year, or less than once a month. By this measure:

• 15-20% of marriages in the U.S. qualify as sexless
• A 2017 study found that 15.6% of married people hadn't had sex in the past year
• 13.5% hadn't had sex in five years

But here's the important part: the slump itself isn't necessarily the problem.

What matters is whether both partners are okay with it. Some couples are genuinely content with infrequent sex. The real issue arises when there's a gap between what one partner wants and what's happening, what researchers call "desire discrepancy."

When one person wants more and feels consistently rejected, or one person feels pressured and withdraws further, that's when the slump becomes damaging.

The Gradual Fade: How It Usually Happens

Couples rarely stop having sex overnight. It's almost always a slow fade.

The pattern typically looks something like this:

• The "honeymoon phase" ends (usually 1-3 years into a relationship)
• Life gets busier, sex gets deprioritized
• Small gaps between encounters become longer gaps
• The longer it's been, the more awkward initiating feels
• Neither person brings it up
• Eventually, not having sex becomes the new normal

One therapist described it this way: "It's usually one partner that checks out first, and with poor communication, the issue gets left. I've had couples come in who haven't had sex in two years because the problem just compounds itself."

The awkwardness builds. The conversation feels too loaded. So both people avoid it, and the gap keeps growing.

Reason 1: Life Got in the Way

This is the most common and most relatable reason.

Work stress. Household responsibilities. Caring for kids or aging parents. The mental load of managing a life. By the end of the day, there's nothing left.

Research backs this up. Studies show that higher levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) are directly associated with lower sexual desire, and this effect is particularly strong in women.

A 2025 study published in Annals of Behavioral Medicine found that higher subjective stress was associated with lower concurrent sexual desire and arousal. The connection between stress and suppressed desire is well-documented across multiple studies.

When you're exhausted and overwhelmed, sex stops feeling like connection and starts feeling like another demand. Another thing someone wants from you. So you avoid it.

Reason 2: You Had Kids

Let's be honest about this one: having children significantly impacts your sex life.

The research is clear:

• 67% of couples report a drop in relationship satisfaction for up to three years after having a baby
• The rate of relationship satisfaction decline is nearly twice as steep for parents compared to childless couples
• One-third to one-half of first-time parents report feeling dissatisfied with their sex life at 6-8 months postpartum

The reasons are obvious when you think about them: exhaustion, being "touched out" from caring for a baby all day, no privacy, disrupted sleep, and a fundamental identity shift from lovers to parents.

Research using German panel data found that sex frequency is reduced during pregnancy and while couples have small children, but it typically revives as children get older and more independent.

So if you're in the thick of early parenthood and wondering what happened to your sex life, know that this is extremely common, it's temporary, and it doesn't mean anything is broken.

Reason 3: Your Bodies Changed

Aging is the single strongest predictor of declining sexual frequency. This isn't a moral failing. It's biology.

For women:

• Up to 50% of menopausal women report low sexual desire
• Up to 45% report genital pain before, during, or after intercourse
• Up to 30% report poor lubrication
• Hormonal changes directly affect arousal and comfort

For men:

• Testosterone declines with age
• Erectile difficulties become more common
• Health conditions affect stamina and function

For everyone:

• A 2024 study found that 76% of people with chronic disease (hypertension, diabetes, heart disease, depression) report sexual impairment
• Medications, including antidepressants, blood pressure drugs, and hormonal birth control, can significantly impact libido
• Pain, fatigue, and physical limitations make sex less appealing

These are real factors, not excuses. But they're also addressable. Many health-related sexual issues can be improved with medical help, adjusted medications, or adapted approaches to intimacy.

Reason 4: Desire Works Differently Than You Thought

Here's something that changes how many people understand their own sexuality:

Not everyone experiences spontaneous desire.

The cultural expectation is that desire should "just happen." You see your partner, you feel turned on, you want sex. That's spontaneous desire, and it's real. But it's not the only kind.

Research by Emily Nagoski and others has identified responsive desire, where sexual interest emerges in response to arousal rather than before it. You don't feel desire first; you feel it after things have already started.

The statistics are striking:

• About 70% of men experience primarily spontaneous desire
• Only about 10-20% of women experience primarily spontaneous desire
• About 30% of women experience primarily responsive desire
• About 5% of men experience primarily responsive desire

If you or your partner have responsive desire and you're both waiting to "feel like it" before initiating, you might be waiting forever. The desire won't show up until after arousal begins.

This isn't a dysfunction. It's just how some people's desire works. Understanding it can completely change how couples approach intimacy.

Reason 5: Screens Replaced Intimacy

This one is newer but increasingly significant.

A 2023 study from the Institute for Family Studies found that married adults report lower sexual frequency when their spouse substitutes couple time for phone or computer use.

The pattern is simple: screens are always available and always easy. Your partner requires more effort.

Research on "bedtime procrastinators" found that people spend an average of two hours using digital media in the three hours before sleep. That's two hours that used to be available for conversation, connection, or intimacy.

When the phone is on the nightstand (or in your hand), it competes for the attention that might otherwise go to your partner. And the phone usually wins because it asks less of you.

Reason 6: Unresolved Resentment and Emotional Distance

Sex requires vulnerability. Resentment kills vulnerability.

When there's unaddressed conflict in a relationship, whether about household responsibilities, parenting, money, in-laws, or anything else, it creates emotional distance. And emotional distance makes physical intimacy feel unsafe or unappealing.

The pattern often looks like this:

• Conflict goes unresolved
• One or both partners withdraw emotionally
• Physical affection decreases
• Sex decreases
• The lack of sex creates more distance
• More distance makes sex even less likely

Research consistently shows that emotional connection must exist for physical intimacy to thrive. Couples therapists often say that you can't fix a sexless marriage by focusing on sex. You have to address what's underneath it.

If there's lingering resentment, hurt, or disconnection, that's usually where the work needs to start.

Reason 7: You Stopped Prioritizing It

In the early days of a relationship, sex happens naturally. You don't have to think about it or schedule it. Desire is high, novelty is high, and life hasn't gotten complicated yet.

Over time, that changes. Sex starts requiring intention.

But many couples never make that shift. They keep waiting for it to happen spontaneously, the way it used to. And when it doesn't, they assume something is wrong rather than recognizing that long-term intimacy requires deliberate prioritization.

Other things feel more urgent. Work deadlines, kids' activities, household tasks, social obligations. Sex is important, but it's rarely urgent, so it slides down the list until it falls off entirely.

The couples who maintain active sex lives over decades aren't the ones who "still feel the spark." They're the ones who decided sex matters and made room for it.

The Compounding Problem: Why It Gets Harder to Restart

Here's the cruel irony of the sex slump: the longer it goes on, the harder it is to break.

After a long gap, initiating sex becomes loaded with anxiety:

• Performance pressure: What if it's awkward? What if my body doesn't cooperate?
• Fear of rejection: What if they say no? What does that mean?
• Accumulated tension: We haven't talked about this, and now it feels too big to address
• Loss of physical comfort: We're not used to touching each other anymore
• Uncertainty: I don't even know if they want this

Both partners often feel some version of this, but neither says it out loud. So both avoid the topic, and avoidance becomes the default.

Breaking the cycle usually requires someone to be brave enough to acknowledge what's happening, without blame, and express a desire to reconnect.

Read more about why long-term couples stop having sex.

Warning Signs vs. Normal Fluctuations

Not every dry spell is a crisis. Here's how to tell the difference:

Normal fluctuations:

• Temporary dips during stressful periods
• Reduced frequency after having a baby
• Less sex during illness or health challenges
• Seasonal or cyclical patterns
• Both partners feel okay about the current frequency

Warning signs:

• Months without intimacy and no conversation about it
• One partner consistently wants more and feels rejected
• Avoiding the topic entirely because it's too uncomfortable
• Building resentment about the lack of sex
• Seeking emotional or physical connection outside the relationship
• Feeling like roommates rather than partners

What Actually Helps (According to Research)

If you're in a sex slump and want to change it, here's what the research suggests:

1. Start with Emotional Connection, Not Sex

Trying to fix a sexless marriage by focusing on sex usually backfires. The emotional connection has to come first.

Therapists recommend starting with non-sexual physical touch: holding hands, cuddling, hugging. Rebuild comfort and safety before expecting desire to return.

2. Address Underlying Issues

If there's unresolved conflict, health problems, or mental health struggles, those need attention. Sex is often a symptom, not the root cause.

3. Understand Responsive Desire

If you or your partner have responsive desire, stop waiting to "feel like it." The feeling comes after arousal begins, not before. This reframe alone helps many couples.

4. Schedule Intimacy

It sounds unromantic, but research supports it. Scheduling removes the pressure of initiation and gives both partners time to mentally prepare. Many couples find that planned intimacy is actually better because both people show up ready.

Read more about how to increase sexual frequency without pressure.

5. Communicate Openly

Studies consistently show that sexual communication predicts both sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction. Talking about sex is awkward, but avoiding the conversation makes everything worse.

6. Remove Digital Distractions

Phones out of the bedroom. Screens off before bed. Protect the time and space where connection can happen.

7. Consider Professional Help

If you've tried talking and nothing changes, a couples therapist or sex therapist can help. Sex therapy typically runs 6-15+ sessions and focuses on rebuilding intimacy gradually, with specific exercises and techniques.

When to Seek Professional Help

Consider seeing a therapist if:

• You've tried talking and nothing changes
• There's underlying trauma affecting intimacy
• Health issues are contributing and you need guidance
• Resentment is too deep to address on your own
• One or both partners are deeply unhappy
• The gap has stretched into years, not months
• You're considering ending the relationship over this

A good therapist won't judge you. They'll help you understand what's happening and give you tools to reconnect.

Final Thoughts

Sex slumps happen to most couples at some point. They're not a sign that your relationship is failing or that you've fallen out of love. They're usually a sign that life got complicated and intimacy got deprioritized.

Understanding why it's happening is more useful than feeling guilty about it. In most cases, the slump isn't about attraction. It's about context: stress, health, communication, prioritization, and how desire actually works.

The path back to connection starts with awareness and honest conversation. It starts with understanding your own patterns and being willing to talk about them.

And it starts with recognizing that intimacy in a long-term relationship doesn't just happen. It's something you build, protect, and choose, again and again.

Sources

• Twenge, J.M., Sherman, R.A., & Wells, B.E. (2017). "Declines in Sexual Frequency among American Adults, 1989-2014." Archives of Sexual Behavior.
• Institute for Family Studies. "The Sex Recession: The Share of Americans Having Regular Sex Keeps Dropping."
• Doss, B.D., et al. (2009). "The Effect of the Transition to Parenthood on Relationship Quality." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
• Rosen, N.O., et al. (2019). "Sexual well-being and perceived stress in couples transitioning to parenthood." Journal of Sexual Medicine.
• Hamilton, L.D., & Meston, C.M. (2013). "Chronic stress and sexual function in women." Journal of Sexual Medicine.
• Dewitte, M., et al. (2025). "Bidirectional associations between daily subjective stress and sexual desire." Annals of Behavioral Medicine.
• Nagoski, E. (2015). Come As You Are. Simon & Schuster.
• Basson, R. (2000). "The Female Sexual Response: A Different Model." Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.
• Willoughby, B.J., & Carroll, J.S. (2012). "Sexual experience and relationship outcomes." Journal of Family Psychology.
• German Socio-Economic Panel Study. "Effects of relationship duration, cohabitation, and marriage on the frequency of intercourse."