Why Do Long-Term Couples Stop Having Sex?

It happens to most couples eventually.

The passionate early days fade. Life gets busy. Somewhere along the way, sex becomes less frequent. For some couples, it stops almost entirely.

This isn't a moral failing or a sign that your relationship is doomed. It's extremely common, and it has identifiable causes.

Understanding why long-term couples stop having sex is the first step to deciding what, if anything, to do about it.

The Numbers: How Common Is This?

More common than most people think.

Research suggests that 15-20% of married couples are in "sexless" relationships, typically defined as having sex fewer than 10 times per year. Many more couples have sex infrequently without quite reaching that threshold.

Studies consistently show that sexual frequency declines with relationship duration. The passionate intensity of the first year or two doesn't sustain itself. This is normal, not exceptional.

Knowing this is common doesn't mean you have to accept it. But it does mean you're not alone, and there's nothing uniquely wrong with you or your relationship.

The Biology: Novelty Fades

Part of the explanation is neurochemical.

Early relationship passion is driven partly by novelty. New partners trigger dopamine surges, the same neurotransmitter involved in reward and motivation. Everything feels exciting because everything is new.

Brains habituate to familiar stimuli. This is adaptive, it helps us stop paying attention to things that aren't novel threats or opportunities. But it also means the person you've seen every day for ten years doesn't trigger the same neurochemical response as a new partner would.

This isn't falling out of love. It's how brains work.

Relationship researchers distinguish between passionate love (intense, exciting, often anxious) and companionate love (warm, secure, stable). Most relationships naturally shift from the first to the second over time. This shift is healthy, but it often comes with reduced sexual urgency.

The challenge is maintaining sexual connection as passion transforms into something quieter.

Life Gets in the Way

Beyond biology, life circumstances pile up.

Exhaustion

Work demands, parenting responsibilities, household management. By the end of the day, many people are simply too tired. Sleep becomes more appealing than sex.

Stress

Chronic stress suppresses libido. Financial pressure, job uncertainty, family problems, health concerns. When your nervous system is in survival mode, sex isn't a priority.

Children

Kids transform relationships. The demands of parenting leave little energy for anything else. Privacy disappears. Spontaneity becomes nearly impossible. Many couples report their sex lives cratering during the young-child years.

Health and aging

Bodies change. Energy levels decline. Medical conditions emerge. Medications affect libido and function. These changes are normal but often unaddressed.

Mismatched schedules

One partner is a night owl, the other an early riser. Opposite work schedules. Travel. Sometimes couples simply aren't awake and available at the same times.

None of these factors are relationship problems per se. They're life problems that affect relationships.

The Relationship Factors

Sometimes the causes are relational, not circumstantial.

Unresolved conflict

Resentment is an effective libido killer. When couples carry unresolved anger, hurt, or disappointment, desire suffers. It's hard to want sex with someone you're mad at.

Emotional distance

Couples who stop connecting emotionally often stop connecting physically. The relationship becomes logistical, coordinating schedules and responsibilities rather than sharing intimacy.

Taking each other for granted

When partners stop making effort, stop expressing appreciation, stop treating each other as desirable, attraction fades. Feeling taken for granted doesn't inspire desire.

Communication breakdown

Many couples never talk about sex directly. When problems emerge, they go unaddressed. Dissatisfaction grows silently until sex becomes something to avoid rather than enjoy.

Repeated rejection

When one partner initiates and gets rejected repeatedly, they often stop trying. It's self-protective. But it also means no one is initiating, and sex disappears.

The Desire Discrepancy Spiral

One particularly common pattern deserves attention.

When partners have different levels of desire, a destructive cycle often develops.

The higher-desire partner initiates. They get rejected, maybe not always, but often enough that it hurts. Over time, they initiate less to protect themselves from rejection.

The lower-desire partner feels relieved when initiation decreases. They weren't trying to hurt their partner, they just weren't in the mood. With less pressure, they relax, but they don't start initiating themselves.

Now no one is initiating. Sex stops.

Both partners may want connection but feel stuck. The higher-desire partner feels unwanted. The lower-desire partner feels guilty or confused about why they don't want sex more. Neither knows how to restart.

This spiral isn't anyone's fault. It's a dynamic that develops between two people. And it can be reversed, but it requires both partners to recognize what's happening.

Read more about navigating mismatched libidos.

The Avoidance Pattern

When sex becomes loaded with negative associations, couples start avoiding it entirely.

This happens when sex involves:

• Performance anxiety
• Physical pain or discomfort
• Emotional weight or pressure
• Fear of rejection or disappointment
• Feeling inadequate or unattractive

Rather than face these difficult feelings, couples unconsciously avoid the situations that trigger them. Bedtime routines shift. Physical affection decreases because it might lead somewhere uncomfortable. The topic becomes undiscussable.

The longer couples go without sex, the more awkward restarting feels. Sex becomes "a thing," a looming issue rather than a natural part of the relationship. The avoidance reinforces itself.

Breaking this pattern requires acknowledging it exists and deliberately choosing to move toward intimacy rather than away from it, even when it's uncomfortable.

Medical and Physical Factors

Sometimes the causes are physiological.

Hormonal changes

Menopause significantly affects many women's desire and sexual comfort. Testosterone decline affects men's libido and function. Thyroid issues, diabetes, and other conditions alter hormones.

Medications

Antidepressants, blood pressure medications, and many other common drugs can suppress libido or affect sexual function. Sometimes the cure for one problem creates another.

Chronic pain or illness

When your body hurts or you're managing a health condition, sex may be the last thing on your mind. Energy goes to basic functioning, not intimacy.

Erectile difficulties and vaginal dryness

Physical changes with age can make sex less comfortable or reliable. These issues are often treatable but require acknowledging them and seeking help.

Many couples suffer in silence with physical issues that have solutions. A conversation with a doctor can address problems that couples have struggled with for years.

When It's a Problem vs. When It's Fine

Here's an important distinction: low sexual frequency isn't inherently a problem.

If both partners are genuinely content with minimal or no sex, there's nothing wrong with that. Some couples prioritize companionship over sexual connection, and both are satisfied. Some people are asexual or have very low libido, and their partners accept this.

It's a problem when:

• There's significant mismatch and one partner is unhappy
• Resentment is building on either side
• One or both partners feel lonely, rejected, or disconnected
• The lack of sex is a symptom of larger relationship issues
• Either partner wishes things were different but feels stuck

The goal isn't matching some external standard of "normal" frequency. It's having a sex life that works for both of you. If that means less sex than average but both partners are satisfied, that's fine. If it means more sex than average because that's what you both want, that's fine too.

What Can Be Done

Addressing declining sexual frequency requires understanding the specific causes in your relationship. There's no universal fix.

Some starting points:

Acknowledge the issue without blame. Have an honest conversation about what's happening. Not accusatory, but curious. "I've noticed we're not connecting physically much. What's going on for you?"

Address underlying factors. If stress, exhaustion, or health issues are driving the problem, address those. If unresolved conflict is creating distance, work on the conflict.

Rebuild physical affection. Start with non-sexual touch. Cuddling, holding hands, massage. Reconnect physically without the pressure of sex.

Prioritize and schedule. If life is genuinely too busy, something has to give. Schedule time for intimacy, even if it feels unromantic.

Consider professional help. Sex therapists and couples counselors specialize in exactly these issues. There's no shame in getting expert guidance.

Read more about keeping the spark alive after 10+ years together.

Final Thoughts

Long-term couples stopping sex is common. It happens for biological, circumstantial, relational, and medical reasons, often a combination of several.

Understanding why it happens helps you address it, or at least make peace with it if both partners are content.

The question isn't whether you match some ideal frequency. It's whether your sex life works for both of you. If it doesn't, the causes are identifiable and usually addressable. If it does, external standards don't matter.

Your relationship, your intimacy, your choice.

Sources

• Donnelly, D., & Burgess, E. (2008). "The Decision to Remain in an Involuntarily Celibate Relationship." Journal of Marriage and Family.
• McNulty, J.K., et al. (2016). "Though They May Be Unaware, Newlyweds Implicitly Know Whether Their Marriage Will Be Satisfying." Science.
• Muise, A., et al. (2016). "Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better." Social Psychological and Personality Science.
• Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
• Nagoski, E. (2015). Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.
• Mark, K.P., & Murray, S.H. (2012). "Gender Differences in Desire Discrepancy as a Predictor of Sexual and Relationship Satisfaction." Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.
• Klusmann, D. (2002). "Sexual Motivation and the Duration of Partnership." Archives of Sexual Behavior.
• Willoughby, B.J., & Vitas, J. (2012). "Sexual Desire Discrepancy: The Effect of Individual Differences in Desired and Actual Sexual Frequency on Dating Couples." Archives of Sexual Behavior.
• AARP. (2010). "Sex, Romance, and Relationships: AARP Survey of Midlife and Older Adults."