How Often Should Married Couples Have Sex?

This question usually comes up when frequency has dropped and someone is wondering if that's a problem.

The word "should" implies there's a standard to meet, a threshold that separates healthy marriages from troubled ones. If you're below it, something's wrong. If you're above it, you're doing fine.

It doesn't work that way.

There's no magic number that guarantees a happy marriage. What matters is whether your sex life works for both of you.

What Research Says About Married Couples

Studies provide some benchmarks, though they should be taken as descriptive rather than prescriptive.

The average: Married couples have sex roughly once per week on average. The General Social Survey found American married couples have sex about 54-58 times per year, slightly more than once weekly.

Newlyweds: Early marriage typically involves more frequent sex. Two to three times per week is common during the first year or two.

Long-term marriages: Frequency declines with relationship duration. Couples married 10+ years typically have sex less often than newlyweds.

Sexless marriages: Researchers typically define a sexless marriage as having sex fewer than 10 times per year. Estimates suggest 15-20% of marriages fall into this category.

The range is enormous: Some married couples have sex daily. Others have sex monthly. Some rarely or never. All exist within the population of married people.

These numbers describe what is, not what should be. Your marriage isn't obligated to match an average.

Read more about how often married couples actually have sex.

How Frequency Changes Across Marriage

Sexual frequency isn't static. It naturally shifts through different phases of married life.

The newlywed phase

Early marriage typically features the highest frequency. Passion, novelty, and the excitement of new commitment drive more frequent intimacy.

This intensity isn't sustainable. Nearly all couples see frequency decline after the first few years. That's normal, not a failure.

The young children years

For couples with children, the early parenting years often bring a significant drop in sexual frequency.

Exhaustion dominates. Privacy disappears. Time evaporates. One or both partners may feel touched out from constant contact with small children.

This phase is temporary, though it can last years. Many couples find their sex lives recover once children are older and more independent.

The long middle

After the intensity of early marriage and the chaos of young children, many marriages settle into a rhythm.

For some couples, this rhythm is stable and satisfying. For others, sex becomes infrequent almost by default, as life crowds it out without either partner making a deliberate choice.

This phase often reflects overall relationship health. Couples who stay emotionally connected tend to maintain physical connection. Those who drift apart emotionally often drift apart physically too.

Later years

Aging affects sexuality. Health conditions, medications, hormonal changes, and physical limitations become more common.

But many couples maintain satisfying intimate lives well into their later years. This often requires adapting, expanding definitions of sex beyond penetration, and prioritizing connection over performance.

Frequency may decline, but satisfaction doesn't have to.

Why "Should" Is the Wrong Word

The question "how often should we have sex?" assumes an external standard you're supposed to meet.

But no external authority determines your sex life. Not researchers. Not therapists. Not friends who seem to have more sex than you. Not articles on the internet.

What works for one couple doesn't work for another. Some couples thrive with frequent sex. Others are perfectly happy with infrequent intimacy. Both are valid.

More importantly, obligation-based sex often harms more than it helps. Research shows that couples who increase frequency because they feel they "should" actually report lower satisfaction. Sex as a duty doesn't build connection.

The only "should" that matters is what both partners genuinely want.

What Actually Predicts Marital Satisfaction

If frequency isn't the key, what is?

Alignment between partners

Desire discrepancy, when one spouse wants significantly more sex than the other, predicts dissatisfaction regardless of absolute frequency. When both partners want roughly the same amount, satisfaction is higher even if that amount is below average.

Sexual satisfaction, not just frequency

How good the sex is matters more than how often it happens. One deeply connecting encounter contributes more to marital happiness than several disconnected ones.

The once-per-week threshold

Research by Amy Muise found that marital happiness increased with sexual frequency up to about once per week. Beyond that, additional frequency didn't add more happiness. Once weekly seems to be "enough" for most couples to capture the benefits.

Feeling desired

Knowing your spouse wants you, finds you attractive, and desires intimacy with you contributes to marital satisfaction. This matters regardless of how frequently that desire is acted upon.

Communication about needs

Couples who can talk openly about sex, expressing what they want and hearing their partner's needs, tend to have more satisfying intimate lives. Silence breeds misunderstanding and resentment.

Read more about whether having more sex improves your relationship.

When to Be Concerned

Sometimes frequency does signal a problem worth addressing:

One spouse is unhappy. If one partner feels consistently rejected, deprived, or frustrated, that's a real issue regardless of how you compare to averages.

Sex has become a source of conflict. When intimacy leads to arguments, pressure, or resentment rather than connection, something needs attention.

Complete avoidance without mutual agreement. If sex has stopped entirely and one or both partners feel the loss, that deserves conversation.

Frequency drop signals larger issues. Sometimes declining sex is a symptom of relationship problems, health issues, or individual struggles that need addressing.

In these cases, the concern isn't being below average. It's that the current situation isn't working.

Finding Your Right Frequency

Rather than aiming for a number, consider these approaches:

Talk about it. Have an honest conversation about what each of you wants. Not accusatory, just curious. What would feel right to each of you?

Check in periodically. As life changes, so do needs and capacities. Regular conversations prevent drift and misunderstanding.

Focus on satisfaction. Instead of tracking frequency, notice whether you both feel satisfied. Quality and connection matter more than quantity.

Address underlying issues. If something is suppressing desire, whether stress, conflict, health, or resentment, address that directly rather than trying to force more sex.

Final Thoughts

There's no "should" when it comes to married sex. There's only what works for you and your spouse.

The research shows:

• Average is roughly once per week, but with enormous variation
• Frequency changes across marriage stages, and that's normal
• Once weekly captures most benefits, with no additional happiness from more
• Alignment between spouses matters more than matching any external standard
• Satisfaction and connection predict happiness better than frequency

Your marriage is unique. Your sex life should reflect what both of you want, not what statistics suggest you should want.

If you're both satisfied, you're having the right amount of sex. If one of you isn't, that's worth a conversation, not because you're below average, but because your partner's happiness matters.

Sources

• Muise, A., Schimmack, U., & Impett, E.A. (2016). "Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better." Social Psychological and Personality Science.
• General Social Survey. National Opinion Research Center, University of Chicago.
• Donnelly, D. (1993). "Sexually Inactive Marriages." Journal of Sex Research.
• Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
• McNulty, J.K., Wenner, C.A., & Fisher, T.D. (2016). "Longitudinal Associations Among Relationship Satisfaction, Sexual Satisfaction, and Frequency of Sex in Early Marriage." Archives of Sexual Behavior.
• Mark, K.P., & Murray, S.H. (2012). "Gender Differences in Desire Discrepancy as a Predictor of Sexual and Relationship Satisfaction." Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.
• AARP. (2010). "Sex, Romance, and Relationships: AARP Survey of Midlife and Older Adults."