Sexual Satisfaction Across Relationship Structures: What Research Shows

There's a common assumption that monogamy is the "healthy" default. Other relationship structures, whether polyamory, open relationships, or staying single, are seen as inferior, immature, or compensating for something.

In some circles, the opposite assumption exists: non-monogamy is more "evolved" or sexually liberated, and monogamous people are repressed or unimaginative.

Both assumptions are wrong.

Research consistently shows that no relationship structure is inherently superior for sexual or relationship satisfaction. What matters isn't the structure itself. It's whether the structure fits the person.

The Research: No Structure Wins

Multiple studies have compared satisfaction across relationship structures. The findings challenge cultural assumptions.

A comprehensive review by Rubel and Bogaert (2015) examined research on consensual non-monogamy and found that CNM practitioners reported relationship quality and satisfaction comparable to monogamous individuals.

Research by Conley and colleagues (2017) found no significant differences in relationship satisfaction, commitment, or passionate love between people in monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships.

Studies on polyamorous individuals specifically, conducted by Balzarini and colleagues, found that polyamorous participants reported high levels of relationship satisfaction, often comparable to or exceeding population norms.

The pattern is consistent: satisfaction depends on whether the relationship structure matches what the person actually wants, not on the structure itself.

Monogamy: What Research Shows

Monogamy can be deeply satisfying when it's freely chosen.

The key word is "chosen." Problems arise from what researchers call compulsory monogamy, doing it because you're supposed to rather than because you genuinely want to.

When people are monogamous because it aligns with their values, desires, and attachment style, they report high satisfaction. When they're monogamous by default, without ever considering whether it fits them, satisfaction often suffers.

The assumption that everyone is naturally monogamous causes problems for those who aren't. People who might thrive in other structures often feel broken or defective rather than simply different.

Monogamy isn't better or worse than other structures. It's one option that works well for some people.

Consensual Non-Monogamy: What Research Shows

Ethical non-monogamy includes a range of relationship styles: open relationships, swinging, relationship anarchy, and various hybrid arrangements where partners agree that sexual or romantic connections outside the primary relationship are acceptable.

Research consistently finds that people in CNM relationships report satisfaction levels equal to their monogamous counterparts.

What distinguishes healthy CNM relationships:

Communication: CNM requires explicit, ongoing communication about boundaries, needs, and experiences. This communication often strengthens the relationship overall.

Consent: All parties are informed and agreeing. This distinguishes CNM from cheating, which involves deception and violation of agreements.

Honesty: Successful CNM depends on transparency about feelings, attractions, and experiences.

Importantly, CNM is not a fix for relationship problems. Research suggests it works best when the underlying relationship is already strong. Opening a struggling relationship rarely saves it.

Polyamory: What Research Shows

Polyamory involves maintaining multiple romantic and/or sexual relationships simultaneously, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Research on polyamorous individuals paints a positive picture:

Studies find that polyamorous people report high relationship satisfaction across their various partnerships. They don't report feeling less satisfied with longer-term partners compared to newer ones, despite the phenomenon of new relationship energy (NRE).

Balzarini's research found that polyamorous individuals often maintain high satisfaction with established partners even while experiencing the excitement of new connections. The concern that NRE undermines existing relationships isn't supported by the data.

However, polyamory requires significant relationship skills. Managing multiple relationships demands time, emotional labor, scheduling, and the ability to process complex feelings like jealousy. Not everyone thrives in this structure, and that's fine.

Read more about tracking intimacy when you have multiple partners.

Being Single: What Research Shows

Single people can have fulfilling, satisfying sex lives. Research challenges the assumption that partnered sex is inherently superior.

Researcher Bella DePaulo has studied people who are "single at heart," individuals who genuinely prefer being single rather than settling or waiting for the right person. These individuals report high life satisfaction and don't show the deficits that stereotypes would predict.

For casual sex specifically, research shows that satisfaction depends heavily on motivation:

• When people have casual sex because they genuinely want to, for pleasure or curiosity, outcomes are typically positive
• When casual sex happens due to external pressure or hoping it leads to a relationship, outcomes are more negative

Solo sexuality also counts. Masturbation and self-exploration have documented benefits for stress reduction, sleep, mood, and sexual self-knowledge. Your sexuality exists independent of partners.

Being single isn't a holding pattern before "real" satisfaction begins. For some people, it's a genuine preference that supports wellbeing.

Read more about 5 reasons to track intimacy in an open relationship.

What Actually Predicts Satisfaction

Across all relationship structures, certain factors consistently predict sexual and relationship satisfaction:

Authenticity

Is this what you actually want? People who choose their relationship structure based on genuine desire rather than external pressure report higher satisfaction, regardless of which structure they choose.

Communication quality

Can you talk openly about needs, desires, and concerns? Strong communication predicts satisfaction in monogamous, CNM, and polyamorous relationships alike.

Consent and agency

Do all parties have genuine choice? Satisfaction requires that everyone involved is participating willingly, with full information.

Values alignment

Does your relationship structure match your personal values? When there's a mismatch, whether you're non-monogamous but pretending to be monogamous, or monogamous but pressured into opening up, satisfaction suffers.

Not using structure to fix problems

Changing relationship structures rarely fixes underlying issues. Whether staying monogamous to avoid difficult conversations or opening up to save a failing relationship, using structure as a band-aid doesn't work.

Debunking the Hierarchy

Let's address claims from both sides:

"Monogamy is the mature, healthy choice."

Not supported by research. Monogamy is one valid option that works well for many people. It's not inherently more mature, committed, or psychologically healthy than other structures. People in CNM and polyamorous relationships show equal psychological wellbeing and relationship satisfaction.

"Non-monogamy is more evolved or enlightened."

Also not supported. Preferring multiple partners doesn't make someone more sexually liberated or self-aware. Some people genuinely thrive with one partner. Dismissing monogamy as repression is as wrong as dismissing non-monogamy as immaturity.

"One structure is objectively better."

The research doesn't support this. Different structures suit different people. What's optimal for one person may be wrong for another.

"Your structure is fixed."

Not necessarily. Some people's preferences change over a lifetime. Someone might be happily monogamous in one phase of life and happily polyamorous in another. Flexibility is allowed.

Finding Your Fit

Instead of asking "which structure is best?" ask:

What do I actually want?

Not what you think you should want. Not what your partner wants. Not what your social circle endorses. What do you genuinely desire?

What aligns with my values?

Your relationship structure should feel congruent with who you are, not like a compromise or performance.

What supports my wellbeing?

Pay attention to how different structures affect you emotionally. Your experience matters more than theory.

Am I choosing or defaulting?

Have you actively chosen your relationship structure, or did you fall into it without examination? Conscious choice tends to produce better outcomes.

Final Thoughts

The research is clear: no relationship structure is inherently superior for sexual or relationship satisfaction.

Monogamy works beautifully for people who genuinely want it. Consensual non-monogamy works beautifully for people who genuinely want that. Polyamory, being single, and various other arrangements all support satisfaction when they fit the person.

What predicts satisfaction:

• Authenticity: Choosing based on genuine desire
• Communication: Being able to discuss needs openly
• Consent: All parties participating willingly
• Fit: Structure matching your actual values and preferences

Stop asking which structure is "right." Start asking which structure is right for you.

Sources

• Rubel, A.N., & Bogaert, A.F. (2015). "Consensual Nonmonogamy: Psychological Well-Being and Relationship Quality Correlates." Journal of Sex Research.
• Conley, T.D., et al. (2017). "Investigation of Consensually Nonmonogamous Relationships: Theories, Methods, and New Directions." Perspectives on Psychological Science.
• Balzarini, R.N., et al. (2019). "Perceptions of Primary and Secondary Relationships in Polyamory." PLOS ONE.
• Balzarini, R.N., et al. (2017). "Demographic Comparison of American Individuals in Polyamorous and Monogamous Relationships." Journal of Sex Research.
• Muise, A., et al. (2016). "Sexual Frequency Predicts Greater Well-Being, But More is Not Always Better." Social Psychological and Personality Science.
• DePaulo, B. (2017). Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After.
• Vrangalova, Z. (2015). "Does Casual Sex Harm College Students' Well-Being? A Longitudinal Investigation of the Role of Motivation." Archives of Sexual Behavior.
• Moors, A.C., et al. (2017). "Consensual Nonmonogamy: A Review of the Literature." Current Sexual Health Reports.