Intimacy Beyond the Heteronormative Script

The cultural default defines sex as penis-in-vagina penetration.

This definition is so ingrained that most people never question it. Sex education teaches it. Media depicts it. Conversations assume it. When someone says they "had sex," everyone knows what they mean.

But this narrow definition excludes huge numbers of people. And it creates problems even for those it supposedly centers.

The heteronormative script is limiting everyone. It's time to expand it.

The Script: What It Looks Like

The standard cultural script for sex follows a predictable sequence:

Kissing leads to touching. Touching leads to "foreplay." Foreplay leads to penetration. Penetration continues until male orgasm. Male orgasm signals the end.

Within this script, penetration is "real sex." Everything else is preliminary, supplementary, or "not really sex." The entire encounter builds toward one act and one outcome.

This script is treated as universal and natural. But it's culturally constructed. It centers one type of body, one type of act, and one person's orgasm. It treats everything else as lesser.

Many people follow this script without ever asking whether it actually serves them.

Who Gets Excluded

The penetration-focused definition excludes or marginalizes many people.

Same-sex couples

When sex is defined as penetration, same-sex intimacy gets erased or treated as incomplete. Lesbian couples especially face the implication that their sex isn't "real" because it often doesn't involve penetration. This is absurd, but the cultural message persists.

Read more about sexual frequency in same-sex relationships.

Trans and non-binary individuals

People whose bodies or preferences don't match the heteronormative script may feel their intimacy doesn't count, or face pressure to perform acts that don't align with their identity or comfort.

Read more about sex and intimacy for trans individuals and their partners.

People with disabilities

Many disabilities affect the ability to have penetrative sex. When penetration is the definition, people with certain disabilities are implicitly defined as unable to have sex at all, despite rich intimate lives.

Older adults

Bodies change with age. Erections become less reliable. Vaginal tissue changes. Conditions emerge. Couples who can only conceive of sex as penetration often stop being intimate entirely when penetration becomes difficult.

People with pain conditions

Vaginismus, endometriosis, vulvodynia, and other conditions can make penetration painful or impossible. These individuals aren't broken. The definition is.

Anyone whose pleasure doesn't center penetration

Many people, particularly those with vulvas, don't reliably orgasm from penetration alone. When penetration is the main event, their pleasure becomes secondary.

Asexual-spectrum individuals

People exploring intimacy without conventional "sex" deserve recognition that their connections are valid, not lesser versions of the "real thing."

Problems for Everyone

Even heterosexual couples who can follow the script often suffer from it.

The orgasm gap

Research consistently shows that heterosexual women orgasm far less frequently than their male partners during partnered sex. A major reason: the focus on penetration, which is less likely to produce orgasm for people with vulvas than clitoral stimulation.

When penetration is the main event, women's pleasure becomes an afterthought.

Performance pressure

The script requires men to achieve and maintain erections. This creates enormous pressure. When erection difficulties occur, as they do for most men at some point, the entire encounter feels like a failure.

"Foreplay" as preliminary

The word "foreplay" implies that it comes before the real thing. This framing devalues activities that many people find more pleasurable than penetration. What if the "foreplay" is actually the best part?

When penetration isn't possible

Health issues, postpartum recovery, medication side effects, aging. When penetration becomes temporarily or permanently unavailable, couples who can only conceive of sex one way often stop being intimate entirely. They feel broken when they're simply human.

Rigidity limits exploration

Following a script means missing opportunities for creativity, variety, and discovery. Sex becomes predictable when it could be expansive.

Research: Broader Definitions Work Better

Studies support expanding definitions of sex.

Research on same-sex female couples finds high levels of sexual satisfaction despite, or perhaps because of, sex that doesn't center penetration. These couples report longer encounters, more varied activities, and better communication about pleasure.

Studies on older adults show that couples who expand their definitions of sex maintain sexual satisfaction longer than those who abandon intimacy when penetration becomes difficult. Flexibility predicts continued connection.

Research on sexuality and disability finds that people who define sex broadly report higher sexual wellbeing than those who measure themselves against narrow standards they can't meet.

The orgasm gap narrows significantly when penetration isn't centered. When all activities are valued equally, attention to all partners' pleasure increases.

Expanding the Definition: What Counts?

If penetration isn't the only "real" sex, what counts?

Anything that feels sexual and intimate to the people involved.

• Oral sex
• Manual stimulation
• Mutual masturbation
• Using toys together
• Sensual massage
• Grinding, rubbing, full-body contact
• Kink and BDSM activities
• Erotic talk, dirty talk, sexting
• Phone or video intimacy
• Watching each other
• Holding each other while one or both self-pleasure
• Extended kissing and touching
• Anything else that creates sexual connection

None of these is lesser. None requires an asterisk. If it feels like sex to you, it's sex.

Redefining Success

Expanding what counts as sex also means expanding what counts as success.

The traditional script defines success narrowly: penetration occurred, male orgasm happened. Everything else is failure or incompletion.

A broader view defines success differently:

Connection happened. You felt close to your partner. You shared something intimate.

Pleasure occurred. One or both of you experienced physical enjoyment, however that looked.

Both partners mattered. Everyone's pleasure was valued, not just one person's.

You stopped when you wanted to. Ending before some arbitrary "finish line" isn't failure. It's listening to your bodies.

You explored something new. Trying something different, even if it didn't work perfectly, is success.

Success is whatever you and your partner(s) define it as. Not what a script demands.

Practical Shifts

How do you move beyond the heteronormative script in practice?

Drop the word "foreplay"

This word implies hierarchy. Try "sex" for all of it, or specific names for specific activities. Nothing is preliminary to the main event when everything is the main event.

Ask "what feels good?" instead of following a script

Check in with yourself and your partner. What do you actually want right now? What sounds pleasurable? Let desire guide you rather than expectation.

Celebrate diverse activities

Treat oral sex, manual stimulation, toy play, and everything else as complete and valuable, not as warmup or consolation prizes.

Communicate about actual desires

Talk about what you want, not what you think you should want. Your partner can't know your preferences if you're performing a script instead of expressing yourself.

Let encounters unfold organically

Not every intimate moment needs to follow the same pattern. Sometimes you might do one thing, sometimes another. Let it vary based on mood, energy, and desire.

Decouple sex from orgasm

Orgasm is great, but it's not required for an encounter to be meaningful. Plenty of satisfying intimacy doesn't involve orgasm at all.

Benefits for Everyone

Expanding the script benefits everyone, not just those excluded by narrow definitions.

Less pressure

When sex isn't defined by specific acts or outcomes, performance anxiety decreases. You can be present rather than worried about measuring up.

More options

Life changes. Bodies change. Health changes. A flexible definition means intimacy can continue adapting rather than ending when one specific act becomes unavailable.

Better pleasure distribution

When all activities are valued, attention to all partners' pleasure increases. The orgasm gap shrinks. Everyone benefits.

More variety

Scripts get boring. Expanding what counts opens space for creativity, exploration, and novelty.

Inclusion

All bodies become capable of sex. All relationships become valid. No one is defined as lesser because their intimacy looks different.

Authenticity

When you're not following a script, you can discover what actually feels good to you. Sex becomes personal rather than performative.

Final Thoughts

The heteronormative script is optional.

You don't have to define sex as penetration. You don't have to follow a predetermined sequence. You don't have to measure success by someone else's standards.

You get to define what sex and intimacy mean for you and your partner(s). That definition can be as broad or as specific as serves you. It can change over time. It can vary by encounter.

Expanding the definition leads to:

• Less pressure and performance anxiety
• More pleasure for everyone involved
• Greater inclusion of all bodies and relationships
• Continued intimacy through life changes
• Authentic connection based on actual desire

The script served certain people in certain contexts. It doesn't have to serve you.

Sources

• Frederick, D.A., et al. (2018). "Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample." Archives of Sexual Behavior.
• Blair, K.L., & Pukall, C.F. (2014). "Can Less Be More? Comparing Duration vs. Frequency of Sexual Encounters in Same-Sex and Mixed-Sex Relationships." Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality.
• Nagoski, E. (2015). Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.
• World Health Organization. "Sexual Health, Human Rights and the Law."
• Mona, L.R., et al. (2017). "Sexual Health and Disability." APA Handbook of Sexuality and Psychology.
• Lindau, S.T., & Gavrilova, N. (2010). "Sex, Health, and Years of Sexually Active Life Gained Due to Good Health." BMJ.
• Katz-Wise, S.L., & Hyde, J.S. (2015). "Sexual Fluidity and Related Attitudes and Beliefs Among Young Adults." Archives of Sexual Behavior.
• Planned Parenthood. "What Is Sex?"
• Scarleteen. "With Alarm Bells Ringing: Redefining Sex."