How to Talk to Your Partner About Wanting More Sex

You want more sex. But you don't know how to say it.

Maybe you're afraid of hurting your partner. Maybe you worry about seeming demanding or making them feel inadequate. Maybe you've tried before and it didn't go well.

This conversation is hard. But avoiding it is worse. Unspoken needs turn into resentment, and resentment erodes relationships.

Here's how to have the conversation in a way that actually helps.

Why This Conversation Matters

Research shows that the number one reason couples end up in sex therapy isn't desire problems or dysfunction. It's the shame and fear that prevent them from talking honestly about sex in the first place.

The conversation itself is often the barrier.

But couples who communicate openly about sex report higher relationship satisfaction and higher sexual satisfaction. Talking about it, even when it's awkward, makes things better.

Your needs are valid. Expressing them isn't selfish. It's necessary for a healthy relationship.

Before You Talk: Set Yourself Up for Success

The context matters as much as the content.

Choose a neutral time and place. Not the bedroom. Not right after being rejected. Not during an argument. A relaxed setting, like a coffee shop, a walk, or a quiet evening at home, works better.

Give a heads up. Springing a heavy conversation on someone puts them on the defensive. Try: "I'd like to talk about our intimacy sometime soon. When would be a good time?"

Pick a calm moment. Both of you should be relatively relaxed, not stressed, tired, or distracted. This isn't a conversation to squeeze in before bed.

How to Start: The Soft Startup

The Gottman Institute, known for decades of relationship research, recommends a "soft startup" for difficult conversations.

This means:

Lead with positive intention. Start by saying you want to connect, not criticize. "I want to talk about something because our relationship matters to me."

Affirm what's working first. Before raising what you want more of, acknowledge what's good. "I love when we're close. I really enjoy our intimacy when it happens."

Start small. You don't have to solve everything in one conversation. It might be a series of talks. The first one might just be opening the door.

Example opening:

"I've been wanting to talk about something, and I want to approach it without any blame. I love you, and I love our connection. I've been feeling like I want more physical intimacy with you, and I wanted to share that and understand how you're feeling about it."

What to Say: Framing Your Message

Use "I" statements. Focus on your experience, not their failures.

• "I feel disconnected when we go a long time without being intimate."
• "I miss feeling close to you physically."
• "I'd love to find ways for us to connect more."

Be specific about what you want. Vague requests are hard to respond to. What does "more sex" actually mean to you?

• "I'd love if we could be intimate once a week."
• "I wish we'd make time for each other on weekends."
• "I want to feel like intimacy is a priority for us."

Avoid blame and criticism. "You never want to have sex" puts your partner on the defensive. "I've been feeling lonely and I miss being close to you" opens a conversation.

Read more about how to initiate sex without fear of rejection.

What to Avoid

Some approaches make things worse:

Ultimatums or pressure. "If things don't change, I don't know if I can stay." This creates fear, not desire.

"You never..." or "You always..." Absolute statements feel like attacks and invite defensiveness.

Comparisons. To how it used to be, to other couples, to what you've read online. These feel like criticism.

Having the conversation after rejection. If you just got turned down, wait. Bringing it up in that moment feels punishing.

Dumping everything at once. Keep it focused. You can have more conversations later.

Listen as Much as You Talk

This isn't a monologue. Your partner has an experience too.

Ask about their perspective:

• "How are you feeling about our intimacy lately?"
• "Is there anything that's been getting in the way for you?"
• "What would help you feel more connected?"

Reflect back what you hear: "It sounds like you've been really stressed with work and that's affecting how you feel. I get that."

Stay curious, not assumptive. You might think you know why they want less sex. You might be wrong. Ask.

Their reasons matter. Maybe they're exhausted, stressed, dealing with health issues, or feeling disconnected for their own reasons. Understanding their experience is part of solving this together.

Read more about navigating mismatched libidos.

After the Conversation

One conversation doesn't fix everything. Here's what comes next:

Don't expect instant change. Shifting patterns takes time. Be patient.

Appreciate efforts. If your partner initiates or makes an effort, acknowledge it. Positive reinforcement works better than continued complaints.

Follow up gently. Check in periodically. "How are you feeling about things?" keeps the dialogue open.

Consider ongoing check-ins. Some couples find it helpful to have regular, low-stakes conversations about intimacy, so issues don't build up.

If It Doesn't Go Well

Sometimes the conversation doesn't land. Your partner gets defensive, shuts down, or nothing changes.

Give it time. One difficult conversation doesn't mean failure. Let things settle and try again.

Try a different approach. Maybe writing a letter works better. Maybe a different setting. Maybe smaller, more gradual conversations.

Consider professional help. If you're stuck, a couples therapist or sex therapist can facilitate these conversations. They're trained in exactly this.

Signs it's time to seek help:

• Repeated conversations go nowhere
• Resentment is building on either side
• One or both of you shuts down when the topic comes up
• The issue is affecting other parts of your relationship

Final Thoughts

Asking for more sex isn't demanding or selfish. It's honest communication about a real need.

The conversation itself is an act of care. You're saying: this relationship matters to me, our connection matters to me, and I want to work on this together.

Some key principles:

• Set up the conversation in a neutral, calm moment
• Start soft with positive intentions and affirmations
• Use "I" statements focused on your feelings
• Listen to your partner's experience with genuine curiosity
• Be patient and follow up over time

It won't be perfect. It might be awkward. But having the conversation is better than staying silent and hoping things magically change.

Your needs matter. Say them.

Sources

• Gottman, J.M., & Silver, N. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. The Gottman Institute.
• Kalamazoo Therapy Group. "How to Talk about Sex in Your Relationship."
• Psychology Today. "Four Rules for a Productive Sex Talk with your Partner."
• Psychology Today. "How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner."
• Couples Therapy Inc. "Sex Talk with an Avoidant Partner: A Sex Therapist's Guide."
• Together Couples Counseling. "Finding Balance: A Guide to Negotiating Sexual Needs With Your Partner."